Confessions of a Disturbed Boulderer's Mind

Part 6.Memento.

2005-11-01T13:09:00.000-08:00

trick or treat! its halloween and everyone is up and busy honoring the dead and perhaps got all the reason to celebrate. but for me, i feel like im walking with the dead. this feeling in me of quitting and running away from the climbing scene here. started with this issue about me by-passing the locals when some climbers come up here to boulder at lamtang. i see their point of local courtesy with regards to the locals climbing here but am i not considered a "local" guy? as i can remember i never forgot to tell the other climbers here that we will have some visitors coming up. i keep telling them we would gain so much when we climb with them. experience and motivation to crank hard like them. sometimes they come, often did not. it is not my fault anymore.

come on ived spent enough time and sweat to help develop the area so that it will be one of the best bouldering spot in the country. and to be honest with it, im the only one giving that much needed effort for it to be realized. i dont need money or recognition in doing so but i feel broken hearted that my actions caused this riff between me and the locals. admit it, without the help given by the visiting climbers theres no way that area can reach its potential. the locals doesnt seem interested in helping out, or even to climb there once in a while. im tired of inviting them to boulder in the area and trying to help the climbing here in baguio grow. for the last few months, i would go there and climb alone. yeah alone. now they are telling me i am breaking the what??!! courtesy call??!! aint it funny that im the one being grilled now that the area is receiving attention from other climbers? why now? why not then when the area is just starting to be developed? why are they so concerned now, why not then? its like now i have to go on by the rule when then there is none. this is not the free spirited way of climbing ived got used to. politics is slowly seeping in in this part of the climbing scene and i think it will not help. cant we just all work together and maybe, maybe someday whatever i and them have in mind will be reached?

i had enough of it. i got more important things to think about. my rockshoes are finally giving up with that much abuse i put into it. pity, i dont even have the money to buy new ones. there's this nationals/southeast asian comp coming up this dec and im already stoked. i got the permission from my director to take a few days break so i can go down and compete. hehe. still got time to prepare for it. pity i dont have enough funds for it. hey good hearted sponsors! im here!

whatever happens, im still a climber. i will still do the only thing im sure im passionate about. as far as im concern, ived done enough and gave all the help i can. someday when i finally run away from this place and be in other places climbing it will make me smile to remeber that atleast ived made a dent on this place. the only memento that i can keep.

Part 5. Neccessary Evil.

2005-08-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

my thoughts are scattered all over. its raining once again,and as always, im feeling down. my face right down on the dirt. and like the rain, too many thoughts assaulting my mind that i wish im numb. care-free like i used to be. but i remember it was always like this before.

why should i care if i cant control these things. the Fates running crazy, giving everyone a hard time. why did God ever bothered to create them and give these bitches the power to meddle with everyone's life. Did He ever thought that giving us the gift of freewill contradicts with the havoc that these bitches unleashes unto us. we never had a chance since the beginning. we are merely puppets tied on strings of life, controlled by them. we dance to the tune of whatever music they wish to play. we are in the make believe world thinking we're free and have the power to be anyone we want, to go anywhere we want. we live just to amuse them. we move according to their rule. we are on a tight and unbreakable leash.

do we really need to travel a certain path? that no matter how hard you try to stray away, you just cant. is it the neccessary evil of this world so harmony can be achieve? I say its full of shit. it is the hell everyone is forced to live. hell is not all about fiery pit and eternal damnation. we are already in hell. the world is the hell everyone is dreading about.

i'll never know what will happen next and im tired of hoping for good things to come. there are simply none. come what may but i will never go down that easily. well, it will be a hell of a fight.

Part 4.Evilution.

2005-08-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired right now. my mind and body screaming for a chance to stop and spend some time all by myself. probably doing nothing . the world is burning everything i had to offer faster than i thought. it is simply too taxing. i wish i can fly to mars or somewhere tolkien-ish fantasy land where i can slay hordes of orcs and magical creatures. Save a damsel-in-distress, make her fall for me then leave her heartbroken. to be away from here even for just a moment.

someone in my mind is telling me something is not right. everything should have been in place right now. but that is not the case. i still feel anxious about something that i am over seeing. can my guardian angel send me a sign or talk to me, so i can get out of this lunacy im in. maybe she decided to let me suffer for it and have something to entertain her for watching over my not so fascinating life. damn thoughts of a desperate being. maybe i turned into a monster without me or the world knowing it. the devils know i'm weak.

my mind is always wandering someplace else. this isnt my child anymore. once he was always with me, an ally i can unleash everytime of need. but now i think he despises me more than anyone else in this world. maybe he got tired of a failure like me or perhaps he cant see hope for me that even trying is not worth it. my brainchild letting me down, it might be the worst failure anyone could ever had. but for me better failing everything than making excuses that is robbing me my chance to fail. it took me a long time to realize that. and somehow there is still a chance to fail again.

i've been away for too long. all those dirts and dust i had all through time, are still on me. mind and body. pushing me to be somewhere, urging me to be someone. i think its about time for me to be back to reality.

Part 3. Dreamtime.

2005-06-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

At first, I could'nt believe my luck as I was able to stick the throw to the one-finger pocket to the right just above my level of sight. But as I shifted my weight for me to bump that two finger on my left, I felt my core muscles crumbled and the crampness of my position finally sent me down. Down on pad again. Down on the ground and dreaming that I can send this problem. Law of gravity and the problem grinning at me as they were victorious once more.

Everybody has a dream. Of being someone they are not or having something they do not have, one time or another. Its something that is free and for me it helps you stay motivated, a needed fuel of desire that makes you reach whatever your goals are. But it might be a pitfall for others who does it too much. Too much that they are lost in their own dreams that they actually believed they are what they dream of.

For me, I believe that Im a strong climber, that I can send all the hard problems in this world. The entire solar system. The whole galaxy and perhaps in this universe. Total and complete domination. Who can blame me for all of this? I'm so obsessed with bouldering that before I sleep at night, I'm thinking about it and waking up in the morning still thinking about it. Am I crazy or something? Probably not. Maybe this is what a boulderer always thinks about. Nothing more, nothing less. But still sometimes I was so lost with it that I forgot that I have to sweat, to work hard for it. Imagine Michael Jordan with all those MVP in his belt sans practice or training playing hoops. If that's the case, he must be an alien or God's gift to the game. And I'm not either of those. I'm just an over-psyched, a hopeless dreamer who does'nt train, who thinks he's Chris Sharma or a Fred Nicole or a Jason Kehl who can waltz a problem at command. Everyone might agree it's rather absurd.

As I sat down and contemplating on what will I do to finally send this problem, I'm grinning back to them, a sense of gratitude for waking me up that I'm not after all what I think I am. They may win today over and over again, but maybe not for long.

Part 2. The Story of Two Worlds.

2005-06-16T22:14:00.000-07:00

My mind is screaming silently. There are questions yet to be answered and waiting to be cleared. Some people ponder on life itself. Some wondering about things that are beyond understanding. Some questioning the reality that they are living with. And me? well, i have a lot of questions about everything that my mind never seems to cope up. I live a rather complicated life, that's how i see it and it is my own, own opinion. But when i think about it, mine is really a simple one. I dont regret anything i did or anything i went through. I dont think my questions are of a great concern that lives or nations depend on it to survive. Mine are questions of a selfish, discontented mind that talks too much.

Im struggling. Of me being a boulderer and wanting to be someone else other than a boulderer. I will never be a professional boulderer. I should accept it by now. Gone were thoughts of traveling around in sponsor's moonies doing nothing but climbing those cute little rocks as my work. My climbing sucks and i don't even have a good paying job. I don't specialize on anything. All i know is i can do this work if you give me time to be good at it. A jack of all trades and a master of none. That goes the same with my climbing.

Twenty four months ago, i arrived here in Baguio. I came here to be a student and maybe finish my longtime overdue project of getting a degree. And i blew it off. Instead i experienced life like the way i used to dream of, almost. Things happen in life when you least expect them. You can't really plan anything in this world at all. Anything can change in a blink of an eye. And im here now, a whole lot different person than i used to be. I dont know if i became a better man or worse than ever.

I'm a climbing instructor here. In other place, God knows if I'm considered as such. Climbing here in Baguio is relatively new. Its been around for a couple of years but the scene is in its developing stages. They never bouldered outside before i came here. I was astounded when I realized I was the one who pioneered the discipline here. I felt proud about it. But came with it responsibility. The need to coerce, to selfishly give time and spend my own money just to keep it from dying, and to instill to the locals the same fire and drive for the passion I embraced. And to tell you the truth, I'm having a hard time in doing so. Just a couple of days ago, with 70 bucks in my pocket ( it was given to me by my girlfriend), a sole pad and a borrowed chalk from a friend, I went to Lamtang alone. Alone. Ain't that great?! or cool perhaps? It ain't simple as that. Its not fun climbing alone, psyching yourself up and yeah bouldering without a spotter. Like I climbed this good problem with a scary mantle top out (a mantel is when you place one feet in/beside what you are holding) and slopers on the top of it. If I fall from the top carelessly, I might hit my head on that little boulder near where i place the pad.. but with a determination to finish it, i gave it another try and finally send it, with my heart beating so fast i could have had a heart attack. The bottom line is it ain't fun climbing alone and you dont know what might happen to you outside. You cant really have everything you want at all. A great place to go bouldering but no one to climb with. and for me, that sucks man.

well yeah, probably now i know what i really want besides bouldering. I got this crazy illusion of being a graphic artist. hell, Baguio is known to be a place where artist of different mediums co-exist, then why the **** cant i be one.. Im not a conformist by heart but ive known since i want to be one of them. I got so many things I dreamed to do. Photography, graphic arts, documentary films to name some. But as always, there are these hindrances achieving these things close to my heart. Some times late at night, i kept wondering how's it feel to have the means and the drive to finally doing these things i really like. Should i push myself a little more or its just that i wasn't born rich to have the money for me to buy myself into these things. Nah probably not, maybe i just lost those oppurtunities knocking on my doorstep way back in time or im not really focusing my mind on things ive should have done lately. And still, Im left with nothing but idle hopes and obscured thoughts of being one.

Life is so beatiful. It doesnt matter what you are now and whom you had been. Its a matter of appreciating what it gives you and what things you have keep it your entire existence. For me i know im happy whatever kind of boulderer or anything I am now. As long as I'm breathing and in command of my mind and body, its worth hoping to be happy, contented and being someone.

Part 1. Realization.

2005-04-07T22:36:00.000-07:00

Two days ago it happened again. I woke up in a dream that was bugging me for almost two months. I was again in the middle of nowhere. Amidst these huge and small boulders that somehow comprises who i am now. In a place where I can find that little peace i yearn from day to day struggles. This is my sanctuary. My little piece of paradise. My own playground.

I am somebody here.

I am a boulderer. I climb those little rocks. Sweated, bled and will die to keep on climbing them. Maybe im a bit melodramatic about dying but that's the way it is for me. Bouldering is my passion, life and the food of my soul. In fact, It is what keeps me from running away from everything else in my life. It's the biggest detail of who i am. In fact, it is Me.

This place is heaven.

The place never ceases to amaze me. It's simply beyond my capability to describe it in words fit for a place like this. I've yet to learn the vocabulary for it. There are times when i am away from it for too long that i often forget the magic and ecstasy i feel everytime i'm here. And everytime i come back, it never fails to make me feel a little ashamed of ever forgetting what this place really means to me. The world is really a beautiful place. If you only know how to see it in a way others do.

Bouldering is an art.

Yes i like arts. Any medium, anything others consider as art. I like to think of myself as a frustrated wannabe-artist. Someone who appreciates arts but never had the talent or skill to create anything like it. Im a left-brainer, if there is such a word like that. Hell, i grew up dreaming of becoming a pilot, an architect, scientist and finally a chance to be an engineer. Technical stuff and the like. But i never did. Fucked it all up big time. Had your chance. Sayonara smartass! Now i'm no one, just a boulderer who struggles to stay alive, to keep on climbing and still is lost. Lost along the way. Even if there's a glimmer of light towards the horizon, i dont have the slightest idea where it's leading me. Only knew i'm a boulderer, who believes he can take everything life throws into his path. Who believes he still got so many things to do and so much more to give.

As i stare on my latest project. It's a problem consisting of a few crimpy moves to the top of this somewhat dingy but solid boulder. A powerful lay-back from an open crimp to a side to side bidoigt/crimp to the right with bad footsies for a start. Then to a micro sidepull with your left before throwing to a crimp a foot from the bidoigt/crimp. Then a few more moves on crimp before manteling to the top. I'm tired, fingers and core muscles screaming for blood. I sat contemplating on the crashpad. It must have been a "monaliza picture" of me if someone takes a picture of it right that moment. Sitting there with boulders and friends around me, it suddenly hit me. What i'm doing is an art. And i don't care what others might think if they heard me say it out loud. They can laugh or agree with it. I won't give a damn. Now i finally realized the true beauty of what i love to do. Bouldering is an art. It's like composing a song when you're conceiving the moves of a problem. It's like stroking a brush on a painting when you're up doing those moves in a manner that it's got to be precise or you can't pull it off. Its like performance art when you're in it connecting those moves in graceful or explosive way like an actor on stage. And like any medium, it can be frustrating somehow. Like what im feeling now. Like an artist, a boulderer must be motivated to create something like a sculpture or a problem. Also, you got to be honed by experience and yes, the talent and skill to unlock and sent a project. Like a photographer with countless photographs under his belt. If you can't stick a move, you either lack mental, emotional or physical strength like an artist in a fit of depression. These realizations smacked me right in the face. I am what i always yearned to be. You must be an artist to create something meaningful out of the ordinary. It was written all over the rock, this is a piece of artwork. It has its own composition, its own story and its own meaning.

I am a boulderer. I am an artist in my own right. And i don't care.

Laughing and truly having fun. I relish what peace my passion is giving me. It's not everyday i have the opportunity to experience this. Somehow i need to get back to the real world. I can't run away from it. And i will not. Well, i know i cant send this problem today. As i take a drag from my cigarette, i calmly told myself, at least you gave everything you can. There can always be tomorrow for it to yield to you.